Decamot of the month

04 Aug 2016-The Aristocrat

This Decamot was inspired by the following Decamot items: force 10 gale, Swiss Army Knife, pink poppy, plumber's mate, aristocrat, sushi bar, white gloves, protection, trash A mobster attempts to extract protection money from an ex-pat aristocrat. A mobster and a tax-exiled British aristocrat are sitting on either side of an exquisite desk in the well-appointed offices of a newly opened, high-class, auction house on Fifth Avenue, New York. "I've come to introduce myself, and to, shall we say, offer you, and your business, safe passage. It's a ... courtesy I extend to everyone on my patch. No matter how big you are, or how small. Whether you're the next Donald Trump or Cosmo Kramer, a plumber's mate or a pink poppy seller. It doesn't matter to me. It's all good. Think of me as a great white shark in a giant ocean; the deadliest fish in the sea. Capisce?" The aristocrat laughs. "What's so funny? Don't think I'm the deadliest fish in this ocean?" "I'm sure you are. I'm just frightfully amused that you should think that the great white shark is the world's deadliest fish. It does rather complete your cliché'd persona." "You've seen Jaws haven't you?" "Quite! Its reputation was much maligned by that film. It's actually quite a shy creature that only attacks humans when provoked." "Perhaps you think it's the orca then." "No, I certainly don't think the orca is the world's deadliest fish. Besides, size isn't everything you know." "Oh I got ya. Goliath beaten by David. Mob boss beaten by number runner. Great white beaten by the mighty minnow. "Something like that. But certainly not the minnow, no matter how mighty." "How about the piranha? Strips a body of its flesh in less than five minutes. Roughs up the water more than a force 10 gale as they do so." "Impressive, but no. Only really a danger if you happen to be swimming in the Amazon." The mobster is quite for a few moments. A look of concentration on his face. "Ah maybe you're talking about the pufferfish." "Fugu." "What did you say?" "Fugu: It's the Japanese name for pufferfish." "Whatever. But if you mean it's the most deadliest fish in the world, I see where you're coming from. I once saw a poorly cooked pufferfish cause a diner's windpipe to blow right up in a sushi bar on the Lower East Side. They had to give the poor guy an emergency tracheotomy using a Swiss Army Knife. Right there at the table. Imagine that. That's quite an act to follow. If the chef's not up to snuff, you'll snuff it!" "Oh very good. But no, I didn't mean fugu either." "OK, you win. If you're not talking about the great white shark, orca, piranha, or pufferf ... fugu; what do you think is the world's deadliest fish?" Unseen by the mobster, a man wearing a smart charcoal grey suit, crisp white shirt and matching cotton gloves, black bow tie, and patent leather shoes strides silently into the room and walks towards the desk. As he passes an ornate display cabinet, he removes an 18 inch long figure of a carp cast in solid gold. He casually lifts it above shoulder height and brings it down swiftly onto the head of the mobster. The mobster is dead before his wobbling chins crash through the glass top table. "That would be the gold fish," said the aristocrat. He stands, calmly leans over what's left of his priceless table, and looks down at the recently departed mobster. "And the orca's a mammal you imbecile." "Will that be all, sir?" asked the smartly suited man. "Yes, thank you Jarvis. Oh, if you could just take out the trash." “Of course, sir.”