Decamot of the month

30 Nov 2016-The Amateur Burglar

Inspired by the following Decamot items: invisible, angle-poise lamp, Ireland, decaffeinated coffee, the perfect crime, East Coast, CEO, Jeremy, refrigerator, software Jeremy was not a professional burglar but he had read a lot about the profession’s idiosyncratic characters. Some used their victim’s facilities whilst on a job through natural nervousness. Some even flushed the loo. Others liked to leave more discrete calling cards. He read of one who always referenced the famous chocolate commercial by leaving a hand crafted presentational card in the refrigerator simply bearing the legend ‘Just because the Lady loves milk tray’ Jeremy reckoned that the Police would have the MO of every villain in the neighbourhood on their books. This specialist knowledge was all used in his plan to commit the perfect crime. They wouldn’t have his MO on record because this was to be his first and only criminal transgression if you exclude the odd sweetie he smuggled out of Woolworth’s as a five year old. His boss was an American from the East Coast; A typical fast-talking wise guy with no respect for tradition or employee loyalty. He had become CEO when Jeremy’s company had been taken over. His first act was to re-locate the head office to Ireland where the corporate tax breaks were more attractive. His second act was to announce a switch to new payroll software which would be more efficient and make six employees redundant, including Jeremy. The final straw was the edict that came down from director’s row via the in house intranet that the traditional angle poise lamp was to be replaced by new official head gear incorporating a front torch which employees had to wear when doing overtime. Sipping his twelfth cup of decaffeinated coffee Jeremy had used his overtime period to work out his masterplan to rid the world of his vile boss who he thought made Donald Trump look like Mary Poppins. “It won’t be long before health and safety bring back yellow canaries in the basement” he thought to himself, a wry smile on his lips. Armed with a duplicate set of keys he had let himself into the CEO’s executive mansion in the Surrey Hills at approximately 11 pm on Saturday 12th November. He immediately set about leaving 15 different clues for the police to find throughout the house opting not to flush the loo in the process. He knew his boss would arrive back home at around 2.00 a.m. in a Chauffeured limousine – he was attending the annual Forex Dinner – a black tie event at Mansion House. He checked his watch at 1.30 a.m. as he climbed into the loft, armed with the last of his clues – a jemmy which he was going to use on the sky light window then leave for the Police to find to demonstrate how he had apparently effected his entry and escape. It was here he tripped over the dead body of his intended victim, knocking the hatch back into the closed position. Someone had beaten him to it. He stepped back in total shock dropping the jemmy on the dead man’s head as he heard the police sirens announcing their arrival at the front door of the executive mansion. Jeremy wished somehow he could make himself invisible as he read the note tucked in his boss’s top pocket. “Just because the lady loves Milk Tray”