Decamot of the month

30 Jun 2017-Labour Pains

Inspired by the following Decamot items:
Ferrari, Fred Astair, headquarters, manual typewriter, mug, owl, pilot, tiara, tower, under the clock

Jeremy Corbyn’s first act as Prime Minister was to put a bill through Parliament forcing Britain to revert to manual typewriters, not seen in London since the days of Fred Astair. According to Marxist economic theory, this would require more labour than electronic word processors and their capitalist successors, thus creating extra demand for union membership.

With power supplies now officially rationed, it was increasingly difficult for the UNITE union to mandate sufficient national tea breaks for its growing membership. Nuclear generated electricity was banned along with fracking and the importation of oil from any country deemed capitalist.

Seizing her opportunity, Diane Abbot – the newly appointed Minister without Gray Matter - signed a contract with the Venezuelan government - regarded as fellow travellers en route to Nirvana - to supply oil exclusively to the People’s Democratic Republic of Brexit.

Experts were somewhat puzzled when she announced that tunnelling for the pipeline would begin as soon as the UNITE union had sourced sufficient workers for the project. Applicants had been invited to form a queue under the clock at the House of Commons; Big Ben having been renamed Mighty Big Benn in honour of one of their erstwhile socialist heroes.

The Corbynistas, having signed a non-aggression pact with ISIL, the resurgent IRA, al-Qaeda, Scientology, the Church of the latter day Martyrs, the Vatican and with UKIP now felt able to dismantle the security walls around the House which had been erected by the previous regime to keep out Donald Trump.

Following a brief period of naval gazing, Trident submarines were being turned into holiday homes for the unemployed and for any resident evicted from unsafe tower blocks. When it was pointed out that these ships were designed to operate on the seabed, Diane Abbot’s response was swift and decisive:

“At least they won’t catch fire and every unemployed person will be entitled to free swimming lessons.”

A commemorative mug depicting UNITE’s first 100 days in office was commisioned from approved international colleges of working class art and design. The winning entry was a black squiggle surrounded by an enigmatic circular squiggle. As the artist explained in a 20,000 word accompanying document.

“The central black squiggle represents a burnt out Ferrari surrounded by a rusty tiara.”

Number 10 Downing Street became UNITE’s official Headquarters. It was here that a three part deal to settle the long running Southern Rail dispute about who should open the doors was finally hammered out. Ed Miliband was its chief architect – a wise old owl as he was dubbed by JC (as Mr Corbyn now had to be officially referred to):

  1. Commuters were given the chance to draw lots at each stop to claim the privilege.
  2. The one with the winning ticket could nominate either the driver or the guard.
  3. The guard or driver not chosen would then act as pilot for the rest of the journey by walking in front of the train waving a red flag.

At its very first use the lucky commuter uttered the immortal words:

“Jesus Christ! What is the world coming to?”

Jeremy Corbyn calmly replied:

"This is the caring, sharing democracy for the many not the few."