Decamot of the month

31 Dec 2017-Fruit Salad Days

Inspired by the following Decamot items:
Arthur’s Seat, beach, blogger, Bollywood, chair, mandarin, marrow, necklace, rollercoaster, Chelsea

The old mandarin sighed. He thought his days of public office were behind him, and had been looking forward to a long future wearing Hawaiian shirts and shark tooth necklaces. But less than twelve months into his retirement and he'd been called away from his new beach house to advise on how best to deal with his successor, someone the press had quickly dubbed the Terrible Tangerine.

The Terrible Tangerine's premiership had not started well. The first crisis occurred on his inauguration day. He had to suffer the humiliation of only small crowds turning out. Worst still, amongst them, a significant number waved courgettes and carried placards bearing the motto: "Not Our Gardener, Not Our Gardener".

The Terrible Tangerine's humiliation had intensified when the police had refused to turn the high-pressure hoses on the peaceful protestors and the media had reported the incident as a Marrow Victory. In response, the Terrible Tangerine turned blogger and issued an alternative official press release in which he declared the news reports a fiction and flooded the Internet with pictures Photoshopped to show crowds of much larger numbers all bearing placards stating "Luv Our Guardian, Luv Our Guardian".

Over the next ten months his actions had become increasingly ill-advised, bordering on the reckless: He spread unsubstantiated rumours of voter fraud; he publically denied climate change; he threatened to obliterate one of the most volatile states on the planet; and his Twitter outbursts became rants.

Of course the Terrible Tangerine's behaviour should have been anticipated. Throughout the previous year he had made no attempt to disguise his contempt for minorities and the disadvantaged. Among his election pledges were an end to affordable pesticides introduced by his predecessor, the building of a trellis at the foot of the allotment to prevent jalapeño peppers entering from a neighbouring vegetable patch, and a ban on all Bollywood movies.

The last straw came when, with the assistance of the Deep Red Borsht, he had acquired Arthur's Seat and announced that he would be moving the Head Gardener's country retreat there so that he could be closer to his golf course.

It was this last action that brought the Head of National Security to the old mandarin's door.

"We need to do something about the Terrible Tangerine. He's out of control. You must help us get rid of him."

"I appreciate that his premiership has been something of a rollercoaster ride of indiscretions,” replied the old mandarin. “But has he actually done anything illegal?"

"Our investigations clearly show that his victory was aided and abetted by the Deep Red Borsht, and that he deliberately covered up that involvement. So we have him on Treason and Obstruction of Justice, both indictable offences."

"Hmmm," replied the old mandarin thoughtfully. "Supposing we do get rid of him, what then?"

"Then, we would have a constitutional crisis to manage."


"We would somehow have to replace him legally."

"With the defeated candidate? Or perhaps her daughter Chelsea?"

"Neither would be possible, constitutionally."

"Who then?"

"We would need to declare his premiership null and void, and so return to the state of affairs that existed before the election."

"You mean with me as ..." the old mandarin left the sentence unfinished.

"Yes,” confirmed the Head of National Security. “With you as Head Gardener."

The old mandarin sighed and, with great reluctance, signed the executive order for the Terrible Tangerine's arrest. The trial was swift. The Terrible Tangerine was removed from office, stripped of all power, and had his Twitter account erased. He was also sat in a chair in front of the Capitol building with his feet in stocks for 24 hours during which time vast crowds turned out to hurl insults and soft fruit at him.

And so the reign of the Terrible Tangerine ended with a thorough Barracking and em-peachment.

Post Script:
"The President in particular is very much a figurehead - he wields no real power whatsoever. He is apparently appointed by the Government, but the qualities he is required to display are not those of leadership but those of finely tuned outrage. For this reason the President is always a controversial choice, always an infuriating but fascinating character. His job is not to wield power but to draw attention away from it."
Douglas Adams
The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy