Inspired by the following Decamot items: Rome, pea, football, policeman, village, John, hospital, battleship, leopard, cushion
John Martin was accident prone from the start. The vicar dropped him in the font when he was baptizing him; which partly explains why his birth certificate says John Whoops Martin. He was from a small village near Guildford known for its extraordinary pea harvest, many of which ended up in football referees’ whistles. When one stuck in John’s throat he was rushed to hospital but the surgeon who inserted a tube in his windpipe couldn’t stop laughing when he was told young John was from Peaslake which earned its name as a consequence of the Common Agricultural Policy of the EU along with butter mountains and wine lakes.
John wanted to become a policeman, but he failed his medical because he couldn’t explain why he had a hole in his throat. He said it was the first of three as he had always wanted to blow his own trumpet, but Rome wasn’t built in a day. He was determined to prove his detractors wrong and trained instead as a leopard spotter. It was a role in which he excelled against all the odds. The pinnacle of his achievement came when he was commissioned by HM Government to paint their latest battleship which emerged from the shipyard with the outline of 100 leopards on its hull. John added the spots in a special deal which helped the government to cushion the effects of rising unemployment among unskilled workers.
He was conservative Prime Minister at the time, the only one who could match his predecessor Mrs Theresa May for sheer economic absurdity.